Worst Day Yet

     Today was the worst day yet. It just serves as a reminder that this can hit at any time over any circumstance. I worry some times when I have gone a few days with no emotions that I am forgetting her but then a day like today happens. It all started with a comment that someone put on facebook about having lost a nights sleep to their baby crying. I posted a reply, "Count your blessings." It was simply my intention to give said person a different perspective and for them to see that it isn't so bad to lose a nights sleep over a baby who needs you. It seems that my point wasn't well received though as I got a response along the lines of "I'm sorry but waking up three times a night to a crying baby is not my idea of a blessing." I cannot quote exactly because the post was removed or I was unfriended or whatever. It hurt me to hear someone not understand how they should appreciate the cries of their baby, of their baby needing them. I am no longer needed by my sweet angel and would give anything to have her keep me up nights crying. I miss her tears. I actually heard her crying the other day, as if she were in her bed waking up from a nap. I almost scolded Carpenter for being too loud and waking her, but I heard her so clearly. I'm scared that I am losing my mind. Anyhow, my response to said persons reply was to say that I wanted to give her a different perspective and to reiterate my point that she should count her blessings that her baby was there for her to hear cry and to comfort. Her friend lit into me and then she lit into me, and in a private email was told how she couldn't believe what I had done and that I should mind my own business and how dare I have the nerve and so on. That I was inappropriate. This is where that demon inside of me rose up and anger grabbed ahold. I replied "Good thing you are not a man and within arms reach. How's that for inappropriate?" Certainly that was uncalled for, but it was just hurting me so badly that she was not appreciating every aspect of her baby. I would give anything to have my sweet Willow crying for me. I went too far. I let my grief and anguish get the best of me. I became overwhelmed though and broke down weeping. I was stopped at the fuel pump at the dairy and became so overwhelmed with grief that I fell to the ground weeping, sobbing, so empty inside and yet so full of pain. I just sat there for a while, oblivious to the fact that I was open to the stares of many people, and wept violently. A sales rep came over to me and asked me to talk. I couldn't. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, that falling down that you don't get up from. I sat in my truck and wept and wept. In the midst of it all, my good friend Tim called. He is the kind of friend where I could just sit there and cry and he would listen and wait until I was ready. There are times when I wonder what the point to life is anymore. If all we live for is to pay bills and fulfill pleasures and responsibilities, and there are so many different ideas as to what "live for God" means, what is the point. Then my son does some goofy thing that makes me laugh or my daughter needs me to help her plant her staghorn ferns I bought for her, or even the chance to bring my wife lunch at work, and I know that there is still meaning. I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and find a new reason to go on. It is so hard without Willow here. At times I am an unpleasant person. At times I leave a lot to be desired. I need to get my head straight. I need to overcome this loneliness. There has never been a better example of "easier said than done." As much as this was the worst day yet, I know that there are many more to come and it will only get worse before it gets better. God grant me the strength.