Poetry. Writing. These were major facets of who I was back when I felt I had a better grasp of who I was. Maybe I need this so I can go back and re-read and find out just what is coming out of me? I am horribly guilt ridden over the fact that I am forgetting Willow. Alice tells me that she read about it being a typical emotional response to such a tragedy and is not unusual, that the memories will come back someday, but I just don't know. I go back to her pictures and videos to remember her, and then some random thing happens that sends her surging back to me so quickly that I suddenly find it hard to breath. Such an event happened today. After work I went to Lowes to buy material to build another pergola, a bit smaller than the first, when Alice called and asked me to pick up something from the store. As I was walking through the aisles I spied a woman walking away from me with a 2 year old girl in her cart. She was wearing a diaper. I haven't seen a diaper since Willow passed. Everything rushed up and a huge lump formed in my throat and it was all I could do to keep from breaking down right there in the store. I miss my baby girl. I want her back so badly and it still hasn't become my reality that not only will I never get to see her grow up, but I will never even again hear her call me Pawpaw. We were with some friends the other day and their daughter referred to her Mawmaw and Willow came rushing back again. It is over such little things. Things that come from no where and paralyze me. I never see them coming. From what I've heard this is something that will never go away. I just want this to all be over. There is a song lyric that comes back to me. "If you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave because your presence still lingers here." What a sad thing to say about my lovey girl but sometimes I wish that we could all just forget her and never again have to deal with this.
I spoke of one of my unanswered biblical questions in my last post and I thought I'd address one of the recently answered ones. We are taught that we are born with a sinful nature. If that is true and we aren't redeemed of our sin debt until we are come to the realization that Christ is real and accept him as our savior, what about the babies that die? The prevailing theory is that there is an "age of accountability." Only problem with that is that the bible does not once mention an age of accountability or even a similar theory. I spoke with my pastor about this as I had no answers as to if all of this is real, where is Willow? If she was born with a sin nature and never accepted Christ as her savior is she now in Hell? What a horribly unfair fate, but that has been my question with Hell all along. It doesn't seem right. Jason, my pastor, directed me to a verse in II Samuel chapter 12:15-22. It reads as such.
15 After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. 16 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth[a] on the ground. 17 The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.
18 On the seventh day the child died. David’s attendants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, “While the child was still living, he wouldn’t listen to us when we spoke to him. How can we now tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate.”
19 David noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked.
“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”
20 Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.
21 His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”
22 He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ 23 But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”
This child was too young to have reached the "age of accountability" but David was at peace, knowing that he would see his son again. SO according to that, if I have accepted Christ as savior then I will, I WILL see Willow again. If I decide to fully commit to a belief in Christ as savior based on seeing Willow again then it isn't actually accepting Christ as savior, it is just hoping in seeing Willow again. No easy answers.
No comments:
Post a Comment