Karma

     Karma. The definition is: "action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation." You get what you pay for. It all evens out in the end. I used to think that there was a certain merit to this idea, if I were good to people and kind then people would be good and kind to me. To a certain extent that is true, but there is a stark new reality I am faced with. No one deserves to endure the loss of a child. What could I have possibly done to have merited this kind of suffering, grief and anguish? Its just not possible, hence, karma is a newly rejected idea for me. That was my random thought for the moment. Now on to other things.
     I went to a group grief recovery session at Healing Place Church this past Sunday. I was really hopeful that being with others that had been through something similar would help. Ends up only two people besides myself and the facilitator showed up. One was a lady who had lost her husband after 31 years of marriage. The other was a woman who lost both of her parents, ten years apart. At the risk of sounding arrogant, there are different types of people in this world. Some are in my estimation naive and will believe a lot of what they're told without evidence and then there are those who need to know for sure. I am in the latter group. I cannot accept things unless I know they are true. This is what makes faith so hard for me. I need evidence and not just pretty words. I introduced myself and told my story. I broke down and wept and told of my deepest fears and sorrows. Anguish. I heard a lot of "you were a good Pawpaw" and "she's in a better place." I have heard a lot of this and I thought that people who had suffered loss would not give me these token words but apparently our grief was different enough that they couldn't understand. We had to adjourn early because Dr. Spivey, the facilitator, had to go be with a family whose 4 year old had drown. They gave me a bunch of cookies. As I was leaving they all wanted to hug and say that they were proud of me. I didn't want that. I don't know these people and could care less if they are proud of me. I am not a child who needs encouragement like that. I am a man who needs to know if there is an end to the anguish and how to deal with it without simply closing off a huge part of who I am. I don't want to be two people. That is what I feel like. I am Stephen the milkman, happy go lucky with a personality for giving great customer service, and then there is Stephen, the man who wonders why we live in the first place if the end result is so much heartache, grief, and anguish. What have I done in life that was so wonderful that it counterbalances this anguish? Damn you karma. 
     I saw a wonderful video today. My friend Matt, one of the greatest men I have ever known and a true friend, put up a picture of his daughter, approximately the same age as Willow, trying to pet a kitty that wasn't in the mood. She must've said "kitty" a hundred times, but the kitty was not interested which further leads me to believe that cats have evil souls. ;-) I was so envious watching that video. I wanted so badly to pick little Chloe up and hug her so gently, smell her hair and whisper I love you. No, I wanted to pick up Willow and do all of those things. I hope that in all of this that the people who have children will take time to further love them, more than they thought possible and give more time than they think they have. Smell their hair. Tickle them. Give more hugs and kisses and I love you's than you ever have before. I just want everyone to truly understand that while you can you must. I don't have that opportunity with Willow anymore and I would trade my life to bring her back. 
     I had a horrific scare this morning. I got a call from a neighbor saying that my sons bus driver had called to say that she had seen Carpenters backpack at the bus stop but Carpenter was no where to be found. I asked her to please check on him and let me know so I could rush home and call the police to find my kidnapped son. Ends up, after 5 minutes she called back and my knucklehead son had fallen in the ditch while trying to catch a turtle and was at home changing when the bus came. He couldn't find any uniform pants or clean shoes. I cannot describe the panic while I waited to hear her call me back. I was already planning the remainder of my life, or if I could even go on if he were gone. There is only so much one man can take. I was so glad to see him when he came home from school today. I celebrated by beginning the works of building another pergola on the other side of the telephone pole and I think I am going to deck them both and build on benches too. Anyhow, much more to say but I have to wake up in 4 hours for work. Big day tomorrow. 
     The stars were brilliant tonight. Willow would have loved them.