A wayfaring soul, set adrift on a notion, with course hypothetical in every way. With naught to provide and nowhere to hide, an anchor unseeming and drifting away.

   I wrote that about 20 years ago. It was during that time in life when I was growing from a boy into whatever I was during those formative years. Certainly not a man, certainly not a boy. I think we all lose our minds during those years. It was a time of adventure, recklessness, excitement, discovery, and loneliness. I thought I knew what loneliness was. I had no idea.

   This is the part where i put in the warning. Beware! If you read beyond these first paragraphs you will be subjected to complete and total honesty. You will get to know what is in the head of the man you know as Stephen, Dopey, or milkman, depending on what time of my life you came into mine. I intend to begin an exploration into who I really am, not just who I want to think I am. It has become painfully clear to me that there are many qualities that I possess that shame me. (The one that comes to mind right now is how I keep forgetting to capitalize "I" and have to go back and correct it, distracting me from my original thought.) I am unsure of how to do this, so i will begin with what is on my mind at the moment. Darn those lower case i's! (SP?)

   Today I did as I normally do. I worked a long day at work, a job that I love more than most could ever hope to, and came home exhausted. My intentions were to clean in the yard a bit, couldn't mow due to all of the rain, but perhaps get some straightening done inside. I have ever more frequently skipped these well intentioned aborted plans and taken a nap. Maybe I slept for an hour when I was awoken with a start by a horrific nightmare, one that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I was discovering my sweet baby girl, lying in the floor, lifeless. I picked her up, her sweet little body completely limp and void of my sweet Willow. I screamed, in my dream, and that transferred into my waking moment. Perhaps I will delve deeper into that someday but for now I will have to move on. Feeling void, wanting to be of use to someone, I asked my wife to take a walk with me. She has been having a terrible headache, a migraine really which has been the bane of her existence since well before our paths crossed. My son was busy playing on his new XBOX 360 Kinect, (seriously, how far will technology go?) and my daughter was in the shower so I decided to take a walk by myself.

   I love where I live. There is a 1/4 mile of road beyond my house completely surrounded by cow pasture and dead ending in a barn where there are currently perhaps a dozen calves. On the side of the road I snuck up on a young raccoon who was hunting frogs in the ditch beside the road and completely unaware of my presence. I posted a video to facebook of me observing him before finally saying hello and scaring him away. He ran away, and it seemed that I had some running to do as well. I went beyond the dead end, crossed over to 44 and turned onto 42 to turn my walk into a journey. My intention was to walk/run a route that I estimated at 5 miles. I must have looked strange, walking/running beside this busy road in my pajamas while holding my phone so I could listen to a new song that I have fallen for. The harder I ran, the more it hurt, and the better it felt. After a while I realized that I was running to increase my pain to try to replace my other pain but hey, its better than being a cutter right? Trying to keep from being a target I ran on the opposite side of the ditch from the road. There are times when people genuinely surprise me. Usually it is in a fantastic way that renews my strong faith that all people are inherently good and just need a chance to let it be shown. Other times, like today, I inwardly weep for the condition of mankind. As I was running, a man confronted me in his front yard. I was simply on his side of the ditch from a busy road but apparently this was enough to warrant causing me severe bodily harm. That is my kinder way of saying what he said. Apparently, it warranted him calling the police to haul off my dead body. If he only knew what had recently transpired in my life. I simply continued to run, knowing that there were no words and no reasoning and that any conversation would serve only to exacerbate the situation. I turned my attention back to the little girl I was running so hard to get away from. I started thinking about how much she liked going on walks and how she needed me to carry her part way, walk some, throw some rocks in the water, be carried some more, and jump into my arms whenever there was a car. Pawpaw was a place of security whenever there was danger present. About a half mile away Mr. Angry McNasty showed up in his truck and pulled in front of me. It seems that he was not convinced that I understood the extent of offense I had caused by crossing in front of his house and how serious he was that I deserved to die for my transgressions. Perhaps I should have been scared, or even angry, but I was just so heart broken for this man and the path that he must have taken in life to get him to where he is today.  I cannot imagine how it must feel to be so angry. I have been rediculously angry in my life at times, and to be honest I have a brain injury that requires medication that I didn't start taking for 16 or so years until after my injury to regulate my mood swings, and I hope that I have never been so mean to someone. In fact, I am sure that I have at times in my life reacted with an unwarranted anger and every time it has cost me dearly. Anger can be healthy in the right situations, but improper anger cuts at your soul and steals your joy. I am glad that I have had a chance to get mine under control. I do not judge this man. I hurt for him and for all of us who have hurt or been hurt. I have in my life contributed to the unhappiness of others and who knows how far the ripple effect has gone. My Willow never saw that in me though. Oh there is so much more to say but it is 9:02 and I have to wake up in 5 hours so it is time for bed. Today was a good day, I broke down and wept openly for the loss of my lovey girl, I screamed in fear in my dreams, I felt joy when watching a silly little raccoon rooting out dinner from the ditch down from my house, and happiness from the gift of a hot cup of coffee from a compassionate friend. There is so much to be appreciated in this life and I plan on embracing each and every one of those "little" joys. I don't have the option of embracing my sweet girl ever again and that pain is one that will never be quenched, but I will make sure to honor her memory in the remaining days I have by not passing up the chance to appreciate the little things that made her so happy. Hers was a pure heart, full of joy and love. She would have dearly loved that raccoon.