No salve for my soul

I saw something amazing today. On www.wimp.com there is a video showing a time lapse of a girl from birth through 12 years old. I hesitantly clicked play and watched as she grew from a newborn, grew hair, developed her smile, thinned, chubbed, thinned again and grew taller. Just like Willow. I watched and as she reached her birthday a 1 would appear, then a 2, then a 3. I watched a little further but just couldn't continue. It's just not fair. It was so sweet to see this little girl turn two, and as beautiful as she is she doesn't hold a candle to my Willow. When the three appeared, I saw the phase that Willow would have reached. It is amazing the growth that happens between 2 and three and it makes me so mad that I do not get to see her there. WHY!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?! I want to scream it and run and pound my fist into something and scream why. Why do so many others get to see their children grow up and I don't get to see Willow? WHY!!!!!!! I want her back so bad and there is nothing, NOTHING I can do about it! I can weep in silence, I can look at pictures and watch videos. I can try to remember moments that I haven't brought back yet. I have certain scenes that play over and over but I want new ones. Ones that I have forgotten. I want them to come back. I WANT THEM BACK!!!!!!! I want my memories! I want to smell her hair. I want to tickle her and feel her claw her little nails into my neck as she squeals with laughter. I want to rid myself of this God forsaken emptiness, this loneliness and this ache I have that cannot be eased. There is no salve for my soul. There is only weeping, and wanting, and pain. Dammit its not fair!!!!!! Some whine about staying up at night with a crying baby. Some whine about their kids misbehaving at school. Some whine about the cost of this or that or the inconvenience of their children. What do I have? Take it! Take it all! Give me years of no sleep and poverty and deprivation of everything else in this world I want but give me her hand to hold! I don't care about writing anything that someone might get inspiration from. I don't care about being meaningful or insightful or funny or comforting or wise or anything! I want my baby girl!!!!! I want to see her hair grow down her back and hear her speech develop and have a conversation with her and hear her back talk me and anything, ANYTHING BUT THIS!!!! I don't want to learn to live with the grief. I don't want to honor her memory. I don't want to teach others how to deal with the loss of a child. I want WILLOW!!!! Why did she have to die? SHe died. She's dead. I don't want to hear about her being in heaven. Screw the streets of gold and crystal sea. I've got a back yard with a paralyzed tricycle. I've got a front yard with her swing hanging from it that no one can swing in. I've got a room full of play doh and Barbies and sheep, dear God the sheep and the Hello Kitties and the little clothing that only my little Willow could have fit into, that she likely would be outgrowing. I have money that should have been spent on diapers and Lucky Charms and cute clothes and more sheep. I've got everything except for my Willow, and everything means nothing. I don't want to hear about how I need to be there for my wife and kids. I know I have them and I will get my head straight before they get home and they won't read this and they won't know that this is happening and I will delight in them when they return but right now, in this moment, I am as lonely and full of bitter anguish as any man can be and all I want, all I want is my sweet little 2 year old who will never be three or four or five or a kindergardner or a best friend or a crush or a graduate or a wife or a mother or a driver or employed or anything ever again because she is gone. WHY!!!!!!!!!! Don't talk to me of fair or God's grace or heaven or grace. These might become real to me someday but right now, in this time and in this place, Hell is all I really know.